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Don’t Kick the Hive

Rather than comment on the substance of Moffat’s mid-season finale, I’m going to dwell on a minor detail from the introduction.

In Doctor Who terms, the Cybermen are in principle my favorite recurring foe. Their only problem is that no writer has used them particularly well. Often, particularly from 1975 on, the Cybermen are used as random monsters. They stomp around and proclaim and try to conquer, and then the Doctor defeats them using their one weakness. They’re silver men who are allergic to gold. That’s their thing.

It’s only in the 1960s that the writing much tries to speak to the actual themes or dilemmas that the Cybermen represent. Of those stories, Tomb of the Cybermen probably comes the closest. The set design establishes an ominous atmosphere. The Cybermen are portrayed as something horrible looming just out of reach, if you’re foolish enough to bother them. Kick the hive and you get what’s coming to you. They take you and doom you to the same perpetual undying that you have disturbed.

The Cybermen are unknowable, and to even try to know them is dangerous. Best just leave them to their devices and hope that they don’t become aware of you.

The other good example is perhaps more controversial. Although the script and costume design are both ridiculous and tawdry, the Torchwood episode “Cyberwoman” actually hits more thematic targets than any other televised Cyberman story. It focuses on the psychological and body horror of conversion, and portrays the Cybermen as an infection. You can contain it, and that’s fine, but if it spreads then good luck trying to stop it.

Outside of these two examples, and a few clumsy examples of lip service here and there, the thematic and conceptual elements of Cybermen are largely neglected — that is, until 2010.

I am supremely bored with Steven Moffat’s version of Doctor Who. I just — I’m ready to give up on it. The biggest highlights so far have been his two brief sequences with the Cybermen — first in the 2010 finale and then in the opening to this past Saturday’s episode. Each of those examples is more of a setpiece than a real scene, and the Cybermen serve no important story value, but each is amongst the most effective uses of the Cybermen since the 1960s.

Moffat’s Cybermen feel more themselves than they have done since 1968 or so. These are quiet, reserved planners who can be reasoned with only when it comes to survival of the group.

There’s always been something a bit sad about Cybermen, and that comes up here. Granted they’re probably up to no good, but in this story the Cybermen are more or less minding their own business, observing a portion of space, when Rory barges into their hive, kicks it apart, and demands information that they had no use for in the first place.

By Rory’s standards the Cybermen aren’t really worthy of individual consideration, and that probably goes for them, too. They’re just collectors — of information, of hardware, of drones. They don’t even appreciate what they collect; they just soak up all that they touch. Everything is a piece of the collective. To extract anything from that collection means threatening the whole. There’s no other circumstance where they’d let a piece go.

Properly portrayed, Cybermen are a little pathetic and desperate yet simultaneously resilient. The whole is so very hungry for survival, but the pieces are empty and rickety and helpless. Maybe not physically, but separate a Cyberman from the collective and he’d probably just bumble around, confused, looking for anything to give its life (or perpetual undeath) meaning. It would go insane from loneliness, more or less.

There is some deep metaphor to draw from here, particularly in regard to modern life, and it’s strong enough that you don’t need to hit people over the head to make a point of it. It’s just that no one has bothered to characterize the Cybermen in ages — until now, obliquely and to no real purpose.

As much as Moffat is wearing on me, I would like to see his idea of a full, proper Cyberman story. I don’t want it farmed out to Mark Gatiss or some other third-string puppet author. I want to see Moffat’s own exploration of the creatures. Based on the last couple of snippets, I’ve a feeling he’d do them full justice.

Otherwise, I can hardly be bothered to think about his show.

Cyberman catch phrases through the ages:

1967: “We… Muzzt… Survive…”
1982: “Ex-cellent!”
2006: “Delete!”
2012: ?



The History of A-J Games: Part Three

To catch up on the story to date, you can read the first two parts here and here.

So some of my characters, I spun out of existing projects. Others came about from that web of interests and in-jokes that brought about my Andrew-Jonathan strip in the first place. These characters are built of wholly abstract materials, which makes it all the harder to justify them in design terms.

It would be one thing to base a game on abstract concepts. That’s probably an ideal place to begin, actually; to take vague notions from life and to see how best to communicate those ideas through a framework of cause and effect. You only seldom see this approach; when you do, as in games like Passage or D2, or even Pac-Man, you end up with highly expressive, meaningful content.

Pac-Man

To base a game not on concepts, but things — well, you’re always starting on the wrong foot. This is why there are so few excellent licensed games, and why genres and long-standing series tend to devolve into meaningless variations on a form. It’s why tech demos, although fascinating on a level, make such empty and tawdry exercises.

This may be why so few developers have made real use of the Nintendo Wii. Nintendo boiled some brilliant and progressive concepts down to a thing, which developers proceeded to use as a thing rather than explore for the concepts that it represented.

Red Steel

So it’s hard enough to build a game out of an established character. Imagine if that character itself is uncertain. Instead of A-J Bear to draw from, with all his built-in thematic trappings and influences and continuity, you have the vague idea of a hedgehog who is very, very British. Offhand you can throw together a few lazy pitches, but what are you basing those pitches on? Cultural preconceptions? Handy iconography? Are you going to just stop there, or are you going to examine those preconceptions and break down that iconography into something practical and representational?

Think that’s easy? How about a game based on a funny name combined with a meaningless catch phrase? Whoever the character is, this is his name and these are the words that he spouts whenever possible.

Though I’m certain meaningful projects have begun with less material, some tasks were too much even for the slapdash methodology and low artistic standards of my youth.

Sign of the Hedgehog (title)

Considering its origins, Sign of the Hedgehog turned out pretty well. From its title you may ascertain my thought process. For full clarity, though, let’s take a trip back to 1991.

From a very young age, I was obsessed with hedgehogs. Such it was that when, in the early ’90s, I read of Sega’s upcoming mascot game, I felt compelled to tell the world. No one would believe me. I was obsessed with the Sega Genesis, which was fine but at that time no one owned or played the system. I was obsessed with hedgehogs, but in mid-Maine in the pre-Sonic era no one had ever heard of them except in association with me. So clearly I had gone off the deep end and was just making things up now.

Sonic the Hedgehog

The game arrived, and it was very good, but — Sonic wasn’t really a hedgehog, was he. He didn’t look like a hedgehog, he didn’t move like a hedgehog, and he wasn’t really characterized the way you’d imagine. About the only parallels you can draw are that Sonic has spines and that he can roll into a ball. My mind got working.

Over the next couple of years, more Sonic games kept coming out to decreasing returns. Sure, each game had more stuff in it, but those were just things. The actual themes and spirit that made the first game so intriguing was being sidelined in favor of… stuff. It got so that Sonic the Hedgehog 3 was the last console game I bought or played until the Sega Dreamcast, another five years on. I was totally disenchanted with the direction that games were moving in.

Sonic the Hedgehog 3

And yet here I was in response, comporting more stuff into my own fetishistic ideas of propriety. I would draft my very own hedgehog game, the way that Sonic should have been. My hedgehog would of course be British, and as a Briton he would be enamored of all things tea. He would be reserved and conservatively dressed. As a hedgehog he would live in green places and only rarely stray out of his comfort zone. It would take a spectacular quest to shake him from his Hobbit-like indolence — something like a personal request from the Queen.

Hedrick

So we have a reluctant hedgehog with a tea obsession invited to see the Queen. What would motivate him to actually attend? Well, let’s make it tea with the Queen. What makes his journey an adventure? Maybe he needs to prepare for the visit. Let’s say he needs to bring supplies. What sorts of supplies? Goods for a tea party. So what goes with tea? If we’re being stereotypical, then crumpets.

SotH screenshot

You can see the game taking shape here. Now we have a journey, and a scavenger hunt. Although there is a linear goal, this is a game about exploration and discovery rather than about speed (which is just as well for a hedgehog). Since it’s broadly linear but narrowly not, let’s scatter the levels around an overworld rather like Commander Keen‘s.

Overworld map

I’m not sure that this is very deep stuff, but at least the design concepts do come from the basic premise. If you squint, the game might even look a bit like satire regarding British conventions and the arbitrary decisions in mainstream game design. I don’t think any of that was deliberate. So far as I was aware, I made the game in earnest.

The game’s title is both a none-too-subtle nod to Sega’s game and a play on British public houses — or at least my adolescent concept of them.

In the end, Sign of the Hedgehog is more linear than I intended. You can thank those constant Game-Maker goblins of flags and counters. There was no easy way to prevent players from entering the same level over and over again to rack up provisions, which could only be a problem because Game-Maker will never reset special counters. Thus the player could keep collecting crumpets and 1-ups, dying, and then starting over to build up a wealth of currency and blow through the later levels.

Of course since the counters don’t reset this is a problem anyway, but at least making the level progression linear prevents players from abusing the system too terribly. In retrospect there are a few other unexplored solutions, but this is what we have.

The game was successful enough in my mind to warrant a sequel. I had promised one to registered users, and I figured that this time I would finally get a few orders. The orders never came, I got distracted by other projects, and the game never took shape.

Sign of the Hedgehog 2 (title)

To be precise, Sign of the Hedgehog 2 took a very general shape but I never bothered to whittle it down. As a result I have a slightly amended concept — this time Hedrick is collecting scones instead of crumpets; he now can toss crumpets like a Frisbee — and a new map screen, decorated with a poorly designed first level. To change things up, the map is now side-scrolling rather than an overhead view. You can tootle around the map all that you like, but there is nowhere to go.

One advantage to the side-scrolling map is that it does give a sense of scale and adventure. Compared to the bird’s eye view, you can judge how far Hedrick has traveled and what he went through to get there. I guess you could say it’s more subjective.

SotH2 screenshot

So far as I can tell, the one working level was more of a test than a real finished design. It consists of clear blocks against a night sky, presumably because I so enjoyed the clear blocks in the Commander Keen games. It was an easy visual effect, and it looked cool. Beyond that it had no purpose.

Already you can see my sensibility devolving, in several respects. But it would disintegrate much further.

The Adventures of Fred Earwigian (title)

The Adventures of Fred Earwigian is the nadir of my character-based design process. By this point I had been hammering that character button for a couple of years, expecting my game concepts to magically present themselves at the last moment and allowing the full projects to take form. In this case, that didn’t happen. Why not? Well, let’s see.

Fred Earwigian was not so much a character as a wacky name. I have no memory of its origin; just that the name arose somewhere before high school, and thenceforth again whenever life called for a nom de guerre. Around my third year of high school, the name crossed paths with a domestic catch phrase and inanity was born.

On one return from Russia, my mother imparted a story of crossed communications. One of her hosts had advised her on departure not to forget, as she heard it, her hair. In reality he was speaking of a stuffed rabbit, a gift from one of her Russian friends. The misunderstanding delighted her enough to turn “Don’t forget your hair!” into a common goodbye in my household.

An arctic hare

By 1994, my well of ready ideas was dry. I began The Adventures of Fred Earwigian with nothing but the name, and eventually a title screen, expecting intuition to steamroll the rest into existence.

Based on the title graphic, I figured that Fred was rather slow — both physically and mentally. In physique and mannerisms, I envisioned him as a vaudevillian yokel with bits of Charlie Chaplin and Groucho Marx. In personality, my mind went to Steinbeck’s Lennie, from Of Mice and Men. I wasn’t trying to be obscure; these were honestly my cultural references as a teenager. I didn’t get out much.

Of Mice and Men

When one thinks of Lennie, one thinks of rabbits on the farm. When I thought of rabbits, I thought of Fred singing “Don’t fergetcha, don’t fergetcha hare / Ba-dum, ba-dum”.

That became the basis of my game: a bumbling, slow-moving, dim-witted fellow looking for a lost hare. I couldn’t make it work. I couldn’t find the game. I couldn’t find a point to it.

I drew and animated Fred’s sprite, and I recorded him some voice samples. I drew up half a dozen scenarios, none of which fit. The game was stalled.

Fred Earwigian sprite

I threw the character sprite and title screen together with a map and background tiles from one of RSD’s demo games, and uploaded the mess to the semi-official Game-Maker BBS in Rockport. With the files I included a document pitching Fred Earwigian as a design contest. Whoever made the best game out of the available materials would win something or other. No one bothered. Quite understandable.

You’d think that my experience with Fred Earwigian would have taught me something, but any wisdom was a good decade off yet. In the meanwhile I had mistakes to burn.

The story continues in Part Four



Dan Shapiro: Guardian of Ditmas Park

Here’s a non-secret that I have not chosen to discuss: my wife and I are looking to buy a house. Whether things will work out is another story, but we have narrowed down our target neighborhood and have spent the last few months hunting, visiting open houses, and narrowing down our options.

The other day my wife sent me to the Ditmas Estates/Dan Shapiro Real Estate website, and told me to e-mail the Realtor about a specific house. The site is so poorly designed and organized that for a while I had no clue what she was asking or how to go about it. Most of the links seem to lead back to the main page, important links are hidden in the margins, and rather than focus on real estate, this man spends his time whining about unfriendly waiters and talking at length about how great a guy he is.

Eventually I found an email submission form. You enter in your first and last name, email, phone, and comments. I neglected the phone field because I avoid using the thing when I don’t need to. Since the form leaves no record, here is my best recollection of my message:

Good afternoon.

My wife and I are taken with the house at _______, and were wondering if it was still available for showing. Could we arrange to take a look at it this weekend?

Thank you, and have a good Thursday.

It was just a stock query, assembled from some stock phrases to achieve a purpose. In response I expected a brief answer, or greeting, or introduction to the guy’s services. “Hello, Eric-Jon. Yes, the house is still on the market. I don’t know if I can arrange a meeting at such short notice, but give me a call and we can work out the particulars.” Something like that, right? Here’s what I got:

Pls call

I was immediately put off. Not only is the man unable to form or punctuate complete sentences, he is unwilling to spend thirty seconds to answer a simple question — and yet he expects me to go out of my way to accommodate him. Wow. After some thought, I tried again:

Hi, Dan. I’m unable to call at the moment, but I can go ahead with email.

Would it be possible to see the house this weekend?

Two hour later I was graced with this opus:

call later and given some possible times

Uh-huh.

I was done with the man, but my wife insisted that I give it one more shot. She gave me a few suggestions as to what to say; rather than rephrase her words I just cleaned them up and sent them off. The result is a little blunter than necessary, but I wasn’t going to spend any more energy on this guy than I had to.

My wife and I are available anytime after 2PM this Saturday and Sunday. I’m busy and don’t need to call; just tell me what time is convenient, and we’ll be there.

Thanks.

Okay. I’m getting prickly, but I think with reason. And unlike our Realtor friend I don’t think I’ve ventured into total rudeness.

Mr. Shapiro sat on my borrowed words for a day and a half. Finally at quarter to one this morning, he saw fit to respond. And oh boy.

Aderack or what ever your name is!!!

I am sorry, but Ditmas Park West is a strong community made stronger by people, who wish to spend the time and effort to build and mantain a strong community. We have business owners, judges, doctors and TV personalities, all very busy people, in our area and they all find or make the time.

I am also responsible for taking only qualified buyers into a house, I know nothing about you and neither the owner or myself is interested in gawkers.

Unless, your interested in becoming part of our community. I would strongly suggest looking elsewhere.

I’m sure the community of Ditmas Park is proud to have such a resolute protector in its corner. Why, if just anyone starts to browse their precious $1.5 million homes, within months the community could devolve into nothing but elitist close-minded Jews!

(To be fair about his reviews, the guy just seems to appreciate a bubbly young woman.)

The best that I can tell, Dan here was personally offended that I would simply ask him for business information rather than take the time out of my life to become his best friend before he threw his arm around my shoulders and introduced me to his special place. His behavior is creepy and weird, and not at all professional.

I am also confused about his opening remark. Not only did I have to fill out two name fields to even begin this conversation, my default signature contains my full name and a website link. There is no mystery as to my identity. I’m undecided as to whether the man was just grasping to find something to throw back at me, since I’ve been fairly polite in the whole exchange, or whether he genuinely is as illiterate as he portrays himself.

People often annoy me, and I even more often annoy myself, but I rarely feel genuinely angry. This was one of those times. I felt compelled to respond, but it would do no good to blow up at him, so I took the simple route.

Mr. Shapiro, my name is written at the footer of every e-mail I send.

If you’re not prepared to do business like a professional, then that’s on your own head.

Have a wonderful life.

Also, hire a trained web designer.

My wife, however, is not as restrained in such matters as I. When she woke and read the Realtor’s missive, she said everything that I felt compelled to but was too angry to communicate clearly.

Mr. Shapiro,

I found this house hidden on a tasteless and poorly designed site. It was advertised nowhere else and I was curious if it was even really for sale. I have seen every single home available and, with the exception of one, have not found anything to my liking. I asked my husband to reach out to you, as I am already up to my ears in realtors. My husband wrote an inquiry to you and you wrote 2 short, misspelled, curt replies on return.

We are cash buyers who have seen several houses since February and have never encountered someone as rude and unprofessional as you. Personally, I like to keep written records of all my appointments, which is why I love email. If you had simply responded “I need to do an initial screening, thus need actual phone time”, this would have changed things. But a “plz call” was lazy and rude – and offered us no reason why we should call. It certainly did not come off as you protecting your community.

Because we work long hours, we don’t have time to go back and forth on the phone, but we did tell you that we would make time as soon as we knew for certain that the house was indeed for sale and available for viewing.

To attempt to lecture my husband about the strength of a community that he won’t be a part of because he asked you to email him is completely absurd. You not only lost a strong, motivated cash buyer – but you have also insulted a couple with the resources to make sure this story is heard, especially by the owner of that house and your employer.

It is now my goal to make sure that anyone looking to sell a home is warned not to put their trust in a broker who is rude, does not form complete sentences, refuses to show homes and then tries to lecture potential buyers on the etiquette that he himself is so severely lacking.

Good day and good luck,
[redacted]

As usual she conveys most of the same things as I’m doing right now, except without the sarcasm and bewilderment. Mr. Shapiro has yet to respond.

So here is a record for anyone looking to do business with Dan Shapiro. If you’re willing to suffer incompetence, rudeness, illiteracy, and weird delusions about being society’s protector, Dan Shapiro may be the man for you. If you just want a look at some prime Brooklyn real estate, you’re in for a world of frustration.



You’re pre-fab/I had to get away

Okay, enough with the pseudo-profound proclamations. All anyone ever does in Moffat’s show is stand around and boast or lecture about impossibly important things in implausibly grandiose terms.