Itch in my head, that’s telling me somewhere

I really can’t get enough of this cliffhanger.

This is the kind of situation I’m always afraid I’ll find myself in if I don’t pay attention. This is what my nightmares are like. His look at the end, there — that self-realization. On top of the confused, not altogether intentional comedy there’s a layer of existential terror. I remember a discussion with my phenomenology professor at Orono, where she described her fear of railings, lest she happen to fling herself over them. Not that she wanted to; that was the point!

It’s not exactly the same, but when I was maybe six I dreamed that my older sister and I were walking along a ledge above a deep chasm, and I knew that if she kept telling jokes we’d fall. I tried to tell her that, but she, well, laughed it off. And we fell, and I died. That lacks the crucial lack of self possession on my part, but the logic is similarly surreal.

I keep hearing that, for some reason, you can’t die in dreams. I wonder who made up that rule, because I’ve been dying since I was little. Usually with a loud crunch, and a sharp pain, and darkness. Then things move on…

Sgt. Pepper in the bedroom, with a pickle

Earlier today, I bought some pickles — Clausen bread & butter style. Sandwich cut. Normally I’m not that keen on non-dill pickles; these, however, were pretty palatable sandwich fare — and they were a change. Just now I made a ham and swiss sandwich, with lettuce, mustard and those same pickles. The problem is, when I opened the jar I realized that the security seal was missing — that little plastic wrapper around the rim — and the lid was on loosely enough that I could open it with one hand, with little strain. Cue food-based paranoia (of which I have more than my healthy dose, I readily admit).

Food has always terrified me to one extent or another. It’s sort of a body horror thing. Thus, fear of mushrooms — knowing what fungus does to things, and imagining that inside my body… Food that migiht be bad, or might have been tampered with, is unnerving in its own special way.

I’m a little worried. I am, however, also hungry. If something happens to me over the next several hours… well, let me mention that I finished my article, at least. It’s the one I’ve been working on ever since the plane ride back from Japan. I had no idea it was going to take this long; it seemed like such a simple little idea, yet the simplest ideas need so much explanation…

I assume it’ll be up on Monday. I guess it’s not a bad note to go out on.