My wife and I married in front of Grant’s Tomb on December 31st, 2010. That would be two years to this date. Thus as before, here follows in sequence a year’s worth of 140-character Internet frippery. This year, however, brings a new complication. The remit of this post has therefore been expanded.
1 Jan 2012 – My wife found a Nerd in her pants. Then she ate it. I think I married Liz Lemon.
12 Jan – Wife: “You’re a foot-and-mouth lizard! That’s a thing! I saw it on the news before!”
16 Jan – My wife insists that people no longer punch each other in the nose. Is this true?
16 Jan – Wife, angrily: “And don’t make a pun about sofas!” [long pause; then, giggling:] “I just made a pun about sofas in my head. It was funny.”
18 Jan – Wife: “Go on, eat your doughnut. But I’m watching you.” Me: “You’re… watching me eat doughnuts?” Wife: “I’m watching you…”
19 Jan – Wife: “And what the (redacted) is an armadillo, anyway?” Me: “It’s a mammalian ankylosaurus.” Wife: “Why you talking like a stroke victim?”
24 Jan – Wife: Don’t look at me like a frog! I’m not a frog! Me: How do you know how I look at frogs? Wife: I know how a (redacted) owl looks at frogs.
27 Jan – “Even when he’s not talking he can’t stop bobbing his head! I hate this F—ing rooster f—!” – Wife, on EADA Jack McCoy in Law & Order
27 Jan – I like how my left hand now goes clink when I grasp metal.
15 Feb – My wife just signed me up for fencing lessons. Is there a metaphor in here somewhere?
15 Feb – My wife and I make such a good team. I roll the toothpaste; she unrolls it.
17 Feb – My baby has a better mobile than you!
19 Feb – Wife: “You know what I would do for an ice cream sandwich bar?” Me: “What?” Wife: “I would eat it.”
22 Feb – Wife: “You’re not a trained seal. You don’t get a kiss every time you stand up and barf.”
26 Feb – Character on TV: “I’m scared.” Wife, to TV: “Me too. Wait, what are we scared about?”
1 Mar – Apparently black people aren’t allowed to see Van Halen. My wife tried to check in and the guy redirected her to a Trey Songz concert.
2 Mar – Is it such a bad thing to taste like clay?
3 Mar – TV character to his double: “I know you’re lying. I see those same expressions in the mirror.” Me: “You lie to yourself in the mirror?” Wife: “Of course. I do that. Don’t you?” Me: “No.” [Long pause] Wife: “Me neither. That’s weird.”
3 Mar – (My wife is wonderful.)
8 Mar – Pay attention to the fucking patient, not the machine. Don’t just run in here, look at a screen, and leave.
8 Mar – Well. This day has certainly taken a turn.
10 Mar – Kicked out of my wife’s hospital room for the night. Now chatting across a language barrier with an old Japanese lady in the NICU lounge.
10 Mar – I have no clue what she’s saying; she has no clue what I’m saying. We’re watching the Cartoon Network and neither of us understands a word.
10 Mar – At least I can see my baby. I don’t want to wake her, though. She has to build her strength. This is a strange time for me.
11 Mar – @jeniquerenee It’s cold down here.
11 Mar – @jeniquerenee Maybe at seven we’ll both get some sleep.
12 Mar – My wife’s bed is haunted.
14 Mar – My daughter is a squeaky little Fraggle.
14 Mar – I am smitten with this creature.
16 Mar – How is Penelope such a hard name to pronounce or remember? Seriously, people.
19 Mar – More than seeing my own work published, my proudest thing is seeing my daughter’s name in print: birth certificate, insurance card, ID…
23 Mar – There aren’t too many contexts in life where you’re going to be saying, “More poop! There’s not enough poop!”
27 Mar – I think Penelope has an imaginary friend, who I will dub Basquiat the Mastodon.
3 Apr – Life of a baby: “Oh no! I have to put my leg into my pants? What could possibly be worse than this?!”
5 Apr – My wife uses the term “cock diesel” and is then surprised when my mind turns to Vin Diesel’s untold regions.
8 Apr – Me: “Rule number one: keep babies away from boiling oil.” Wife: “Oh, was that a rule? That makes sense.”
10 Apr – Whoever holds the baby controls the entertainment. Hooray! Time at last for Paradise Towers — with cast and crew commentary!
11 Apr – It’s getting so whenever my daughter sees her mother, she turns into Ms. Pac-Man. Mmm, power pellets…
12 Apr – Sounds my daughter makes, #1: “Awooooooooooo-pthbbbt!”
13 Apr – She has my wife’s brow, chin, lips, nose bridge, forehead, cheekbones, hairline, eyewells, and ear shape… But my earlobes and nose bell.
13 Apr – Also my wife’s personality and mannerisms…
19 Apr – Daughter to mama (translated): “No, you’re holding me at completely the wrong angle! Turn me two degrees, three minutes counter-clockwise!
28 Apr – My wife makes excellent soup and is also a weirdo.
5 May – My daughter sounds like a primeval jungle.
5 May – You know you have an easy life when lint collects in the creases of your palm.
7 May – My daughter’s eyes are a pair of solar eclipses.
8 May – It can be hard to approach a person. Too fast, you startle them. Too slow, you creep them out.
8 May – A barista resembled a lackey of Imhotep; as we left the cafe I said, “Remember that Brendan Fraser Mummy movie?” “YES!” my wife exclaimed.
10 May – I seem to regularly baffle my wife with my choice of idioms. Yesterday it was “Now that’s a fine kettle of fish.” Today it’s “How’s tricks?”
15 May – Recently – Me, to Penny: “Are you going to grow up to be goofy like your mother?” Wife: “I’m not goofy! You’re goofy, dumbass!” (THUD) “Ow.”
18 May – This child is flaunting all of Newton’s laws. In her case a body in motion stays at rest, and a body at rest stays in motion.
19 May – Me: “That’s pretty clever.” Wife: “It’s not clever. It’s normal. You’re dumb.”
20 May – Only my wife would make kissing a competitive event.
21 May – Wife: “I feel so gross now. Thank you.”
21 May – Wife: “What’s that guy’s name? Stone Phillips?” Me: “You think every news guy is Stone Phillips.” Wife: “No! They’re all the same guy!”
21 May – Wife: I should know! I’m the one who can tell guys apart!” Me: “No, that’s me. You’re the one who can tell women apart.”
23 May – Wife: “How much cake is too much cake? I don’t even know.”
24 May – Me: “We’re fine. I was reading her poetry –” Wife: “She doesn’t write poetry! What are you talking about?” Me: “… Reading poetry to her.”
3 Jun – New song for my daughter: “It’s Mrs. Patootie Head / and her bucket of farts…”
8 Jun – When I sing my daughter a lullaby and dance her around, all I achieve is putting my wife to sleep.
11 Jun – My daughter just let out the most evil cackle.
15 Jun – Being around my wife when she’s sick must be what it’s like to be around me on any given day.
17 Jun – According to a Java application, my daughter looks 4% closer to her mother than to me –mathematically speaking. Probably for the best!
22 Jun – Another random woman approached us: “Ooh, I’ve got to get closer to your baby!” Then she spotted me. “Hey! YOU’RE THE FAMOUS GUY!” Um.
24 Jun – I love to watch my wife eating plums.
25 Jun – The way my daughter bobbles her head, she could be a district attorney someday. #lawandorder
25 Jun – To daughter: “Now I’m gonna snap you up / Now I’m gonna snap you down / Now I’m gonna tuck you into / Your nightgown.”
27 Jun – Daughter glances up at us; Me: “What?” Wife, in derp voice: “Nobody here but us assholes.” Beat. “No, wait. Wait, what did I just say?”
28 Jun – Whatever I say, my wife hears something dirty. She is aghast! Then I repeat myself, and she eyes me suspiciously.
2 Jul – Wife, to daughter: “You see how Papa plays Mama?” Me: “Like a game of Russian Roulette?” Wife: “Like a game of Russian Roulette.”
2 Jul – When preparing tea, my wife’s instructions are simple: make it the same color as her skin.
4 Jul – Sometimes I like to repeat my wife in clipped, precise English. “Did you hear that? Your mommy is sweating like a slave up in this bitch.”
6 Jul – … And Penelope with eyes aflame came whiffling through the tulgey wood and burbled as she came…
7 Jul – Penny playing idly with rattle. Mommy reading at computer. Penny: “GAWOOOOOOO!!” Mommy leaps from chair: “Ngah!” Penny continues in silence.
9 Jul – Wife: “Watch your toes.” Me: “My toes are watching me.” Wife: “Watch your toes!” Me: “My toes are watching ME.”
10 Jul – I’m in the process of lying down, and suddenly the baby is right under the small of my back… Urm.
14 Jul – My daughter, in my wife’s arms, saw me walk out the door and vanish — and she flipped out. She kept calling after me until I returned.
15 Jul – I could conduct a marching band past my wife and she wouldn’t wake, but tiptoeing across the room — that’ll do it every time.
15 Jul – I love my daughter’s little Haribo ears. UM NUM NUM NUM NUM!!
23 Jul – A recipe for a good morning: waking up to a happy little girl, and the smell of blueberry muffins and fresh mint tea.
24 Jul – Today I woke to my wife pulling on my lips. “Where’s your hair?!” She sounded frantic. “Where’s your hair?!” Then a beat. “Oh. You shaved.”
26 Jul – My wife was convinced that Sam Waterston had also died recently. Then she realized that she had merely killed him in a dream.
28 Jul – This little goofball keeps making sounds like Eliza Doolittle. Aeoooooohhh!!!
29 Jul – The other day, someone paid my wife with this. Shall we call?
3 Aug – My daughter just flipped her head back, looked at me dead in the eye upside down, and said, “Oo-ga boo-ga.”
3 Aug – I like this kid. She’s got style.
10 Aug – Why is it that, when faced with a sleeping baby, everyone’s first impulse is to get in her face and wake her? Back the fuck off, people.
10 Aug – Penelope has befriended the girl in the mirror. We call her Anti-lope.
16 Aug – Wife: “I hate it when you wear a white T-shirt. I can’t tell where the shirt ends and your flesh begins. HA HA HA (SNORT)!”
22 Aug – Wife, to daughter: “Are you going to leap over buildings with a single bound?” Me: “Well, she’s already a bounder — ”
22 Aug – Wife: “Oh boy. We’re in one of these moods today, are we?” Me: ” — But at least this way she’ll be constructive.” Wife: “Not today, please.”
7 Sep – Wife: “A priest and a rabbi walk into a bar… ‘Ouch!’ ‘Oy vey!'”
9 Sep – So since birth my daughter has been chatty. Now she’s making a concerted effort to copy us. She’ll stare at our mouths with determination.
9 Sep – Then she’ll roll a syllable around and around until it’s right. I say “Penelope”; she says “Puh, pheh, bih, pih, peh, meh-meh-meh-meh-meh.”
12 Sep – My daughter grabbed my hair, pulled my face to hers, and yelled “ADAPT! ADAPT!” I am adapting, sweetheart. I have no choice in the matter.
15 Sep – My wife commented that until this series she never understood why people classed Doctor Who as a kids’ show. Now, this — this is tiresome.
17 Sep – Good grief. Did my daughter just say “Gluck ga-ga”? Honestly, where does she pick up this kind of language?
21 Sep – My daughter’s favorite game so far is Space Turkey and the Gobble Ghoul. I’d explain, but it’s probably too complicated.
27 Sep – Since I met my wife, no one has stopped and asked me if I’m European. Now they just stare or mistake me for someone famous. Which is better?
27 Sep – I feel a weird pang, weeding out my daughter’s old clothes. No, she’ll never wear that again. Or that. Oh, I used to like that one. No more.
16 Oct – Coming from Brooklyn, my wife is puzzled by the courtesy of Maine drivers toward pedestrians. There is one notable exception: Pickup trucks.
16 Nov – Wife, to daughter: “Pretty please with sugar on top / Mommy wants to go to slop.” [LONG PAUSE] “Sleep.” [FULL REPEAT] “I just said that…”
17 Nov – I’m glad that I don’t have to explain to my wife what a Peahat is.
18 Nov – The overworld is one thing, and that’s great and all — but she also knows the Goriya by name. GRUMBLE GRUMBLE
18 Nov – My daughter actually says “UM NUM NUM NUM” when she eats.
30 Nov – Why is my daughter so friggin’ slimy?
4 Dec – I give my daughter a toy and all she wants to do with it is play Antiques Roadshow.
23 Dec – Can’t wait for this girl to go off to college so I can touch my wife again.
27 Dec – Me: “That’s not Richard Belzer, it it? I can’t see from here.” Wife: “That’s Ellen DeGeneres, dear.” Me: “Oh.”
30 Dec – This girl is always either honking or quacking. That’s not how you play Duck Duck Goose, Penny. I keep explaining this.